And It’s Another Girl! Adoptive Parents Welcome Baby Taylor!

When the barometric pressure dropped last week, that signaled the entrance, several weeks early, of baby girl Taylor.  Weighing just over 3 pounds, she worried her two birth parents.  But fortunately she came into the world “yelling bloody murder” according to birth father Rick who was present at the birth of his daughter.  Her lungs were apparently fully developed and she made full use of them to make her presence known.  Baby Taylor will have to stay in the hospital until she grows a little.

Already, the parents of a baby in diapers, adding one more to their family simply was not in the plan.  They struggled with the decision, but ultimately decided it was the best alternative.  Rick is unable to work and cares for their son at home.  Birth mother Sandy is the major breadwinner in the family. Since Taylor was born much earlier than planned, her birth parents had not had time enough to identify an adoptive family.  They wanted a family identified fast.  As Sandy was to leave the hospital the day after giving birth, neither she nor Rick wanted to leave the baby until they had chosen the new parents.  They could not bear the thought of leaving their baby daughter in  the hospital until they had selected parents to love her and talk to her every day while she remained in the hospital for an extended stay.

Enter Neil and Carla. Married seven years, Neil had chemotherapy after a bout with cancer which left him unable to conceive. All their brothers and sisters in their large extended families had started their families.  Nieces and nephews abound.  Neil and Carla have been waiting for their dreamed about child to arrive.

The day after Taylor was born, the adoption attorney brought the two couples together, birth mother and birth father, adoptive mother and adoptive father.  They met in the hospital and got to know each other.  Since the adoption attorney knew both couples, she was able to help them get to know each other and get all of their questions about each other answered very quickly.  In no time, they all felt very comfortable with each other.  Birth mother Sandy proudly introduced first Neil, then Carla to their new baby girl, sleeping in her isolette.  Holding her was not possible just yet. Tears of joy flowed as they cradled her with their eyes.

The birth parents feel that finding Neil and Carla was a godsend.  They believe that it was meant to be.  Rick and Sandy, sad beyond measure to not be able to parent their daughter, nevertheless know that she will be loved  and cared for in the warm embrace of Neil’s and Carla’s large extended families.

Neil and Carla take up their posts beside Taylor’s isolette in the hospital to watch her tiny feet, hands and button nose grow.  They cannot wait until they can hold her and feed her.

The birth parents and the adoptive parents plan to meet again and will keep in touch with updates.

It’s a Girl! for Birth Mother Cara and Adoptive Parents

Cara’s baby is due in October. Cara invited Julia and John to the ultrasound appointment. This day has been much anticipated. Everyone was excited to find out if Cara is expecting a girl or a boy. Julia picked Cara up at her apartment and together they drove to the appointment. John was called away on business and could not attend.

Prospective adoptive mother Julia called the adoption attorney from the doctor’s office to excitedly exclaim: “It’s a Girl!” Now Julia and Cara can begin imagining about this little girl. What will her personality be like? Will she have blue eyes and lots of hair? And Julia just may go shopping for things pink.

Cocaine and Alcohol Cloud Adoption Plans

Lauren, age 40, is in jail, arrested with drug paraphanalia. She is four months pregnant and an admitted alcoholic and cocaine user. She has a grown daughter. She placed a child for adoption several years ago. Lauren is homeless. She has always depended on a man for her support and now she is alone. She says she likes to work, but her drug and alcohol habits make holding a job almost impossible. She is very bright, brimming with personality and seeming possibility. But she knows she lets her demons and her unruly emotions govern her. She is contrite about her situation and lifestyle. She just wants to do the right thing for this child. She knows she is not capable of providing for this child in the short term or the long term. With the help of an adoption attorney, Lauren is matched with Ken and Tia, a childless couple who live in another state, to be the parents of her child.

Lauren is set to be released from jail two months before her delivery due date. The attorney and the adoptive parents know that she would be drug and alcohol free for the duration of her pregnancy, if she were to remain incarcerated. They anticipate she will return to her former lifestyle soon after she is released.

They worry for Lauren. They worry for the unborn baby. They ponder how they can best help her upon her release from jail.

Follow Lauren, Ken and Tia’s story here, in future posts, as their adoption journey progresses.

Walking in a Birth Father’s Shoes

I was once superficially involved in a contested adoption. I did not know the young birth father who was contesting the adoption placement of the newborn of a young woman with whom he was briefly intimate. Just prior to trial, this young man had a change of heart and decided to sign a consent for adoption. As I witnessed his signing of the consent, I noticed many things about him, including his shoes! They were obviously brand spanking new shiny dress shoes that contrasted sharply with his more modest and well worn clothing. His shoes seemed mightily uncomfortable. I guessed he bought them especially for this occasion so as to appear grown up and presentable.

After the adoption papers were all signed and the meeting ended, everyone left. As I drove back to my law office a half hour later, I noticed this young man walking, in the broiling heat of our Florida summer sun, down a busy thoroughfare. He was walking back to his job at a restaurant which I knew was several miles away. He had already been walking 30 minutes — in those shoes. He had an hour or two more to walk to reach his job.

I stopped for two reasons. I could not bear the thought of him walking so far in such physical pain, particularly after he had just signed documents to release his first born child for adoption. And now that the adoption case was resolved, I wanted to ask him why he had suddenly, voluntarily decided in favor of placing his daughter for adoption, after contesting it for months.

He was very glad for the ride. His answer to my question was simply: “I realized adoption was what was best for her.”

Birth Father Adoption Drama

Adoptions typically involve drama. Lots of it. With emotions frequently in code red zone, and very high stakes for everyone involved, drama is inevitable.

Here is an update on Birth Mother Cara’s adoption journey. Brian, her former boyfriend and the birth father of the child she is expecting, originally expressed a great deal of interest in making an adoption plan for their unborn child. He was the one who made the initial call to the adoption attorney. Since he placed a child a for adoption previously, he said, he is aware first hand of the potential beneficial outcomes for all parties.

Sadly, since he and Cara split up, his fortunes have taken a nose dive. He is out of work and will shortly lose his place to stay at a relative’s home. He and Cara still communicate. He sees her feeling upbeat about her new life. He sees her receiving care and concern from a number of new people in her life, including the adoptive parents and the adoption attorney’s staff. He sees her life taking an upward tilt. He now is making noises to indicate that he may not be in favor of the adoption. Why?

Is it just frustration and envy that are making him behave seemingly illogically? Or has he had a genuine change of heart? No one wants a birth parent to make an adoption decision that he will later regret. What future does Brian truly want for his child? Very pregnant Cara and adoptive parents, John and Julia, need to know.

Here in Florida, the law provides a mechanism for giving legal notice to an unmarried birth father about the adoption plan prior to birth which requires him to take specific, statutorily prescribed actions, within a certain time frame, in order to effectuate a continuing right to determine the outcome of the adoption plan. His failure to take those actions will automatically foreclose his rights after the time period expires.

Cara, along with John and Julia, the adoptive parents, will wait on pins and needles until the 30 day statutory time period runs and Brian’s decision is known.

QUESTION FOR YOU! It’s “Walk a Mile in His Shoes Day!” What questions do you think a birth father ponders as he struggles to make a decision about adoption for his child?

Prepare to Adopt – 15 Things to Do While You Wait

So, you have signed up with an adoption agency or attorney and you are waiting. Waiting to be matched with a birth mother. Or, you are already matched with a birth mother and you are waiting for the birth of your (and her) child. Or you are waiting for your referral.

You have been living in the mobile home of fear for ever so long, frequently buffeted by gale force winds of disappointment and longing. You now live cautiously in the apartment of hope. But you still cannot picture yourself dwelling in the red brick house of belief.You are wondering if it is EVER going to happen. You cannot bring yourself to BELIEVE that you are going to be parents. You are afraid that if you wish too hard, the dreamy picture you hold in your head of you smiling down into the eyes of a beautiful child — your child — will be zapped out of the realm of possible reality like a computer crash where you lose everything. It is too painful to imagine such a loss, so you hold yourself back from fully believing that you will be become parents.

What can you do while you wait? It seems everything is out of your hands at the moment. Seemingly, you’ve done everything you can do to put your adoption plan in motion. Now, apparently, there is nothing to do but wait. This is a time of great opportunity! You have much within your control to help you not just endure the waiting, but to move you into the belief that indeed you will be parents — and soon. Once you believe that an adoption is really going to happen, that a child will be yours, you will begin to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally to welcome your new child into your life.

Amazingly, it works in reverse too! If you prepare yourself mentally and emotionally, and take action to prepare, you will not only come to believe that it will happen . . . . . . You will MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Here are some things you, as prospective adoptive parents, can do to prepare and do your part to make an adoption dream metamorphose into real, live new son or daughter:

1. Read.

As a former teacher and lifelong “researcher”, my mantra is: “Educate thyself!” Particularly when a big decision looms. Take a look at some of my recommendations of books and DVDs that will enrich your knowledge base and ensure that you are no babe in the adoption woods.

2. Declutter, clean and organize your home.
When baby arrives, you will have no time, energy or interest in spending time on your home. Trust me on this! Instead, you will want to watch your baby breathe . . . . and everything else your baby will do that is cute and charming. And don’t forget! You will have visitors! Family will descend upon you. Friends will drop by. Do yourselves a favor. Remove the stress of it all in advance by decluttering, cleaning and organizing your home inside and out. It will make you glow!

3. Put your finances in order.
Look out! Expenses ahead! Some are easily anticipated and some will be unexpected. Be prepared financially by knowing what you’ve got, where it needs to go and that you will be prepared for the unexpected.

4. Take a baby care class.
Confidence is a direct result of having sufficient knowledge. Baby care is no exception. Having a baby care expert show you and teach you what you need to know will provide you with peace of mind that you can handle that slippery baby in the bath.

5. Talk with friends and family about adoption.
Now is the time to begin to educate your your circle about adoption as well as yourselves. As you read and discuss adoption issues that you will likely face, you will begin to identify issues that your family members and friends could benefit from understanding. Your friends and family do NOT need to know the intricate detail and goings on of your adoption journey. You should protect your privacy and the confidential information that belongs to you, your child and your child’s birth parents. However, the more your circle supports the choices you will make in your adoption plan, the easier your transition into parenthood via adoption will be. It is a delicate balance. Tell them what they need to know to be of support to you and ultimately to embrace your new child. Rally your troops!

6. Design and prepare your baby announcements.
Just plain fun! And with a useful purpose! Loads of software programs exist to make creativity easy. Have at it, creative types!

7. Investigate day care and Parent’s Day Out Programs in your community.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to have such important, but time-consuming decisions made prior to baby’s arrival? Wouldn’t it be nice to know that, when you need a little down time, your baby will have safe care? Then you can focus all your time and attention on gazing lovingly into your baby’s bright eyes. Aaah! Heaven.

8. Choose a pediatrician.
Talk with friends about their children’s pediatrician. Discuss the traits that are important to your choice of a pediatrician. It is not a bad idea to include proximity as a criterion. Having a pediatrician whose office is close your home is a welcome benefit when your child as a fever of a 103 and you are in panic mode.

9.  Organize a baby scrapbook – in advance.

For procrastinators like me, trying to create a baby scrapbook while parenting is an overwhelming prospect. I wish I had organized a scrapbook in advance that I could just slip photos and memories into without having to organize as I go. Had it been available to me when my children were babies, I think recording special moments on a private, personal blog would have suited me to a tee. More on that in an upcoming post: “How to Brag – uh, Blog – About Your New Baby.”

10. Make your home child safe.

Natch. Simple actions can make your home safe for your soon-to-be toddler. Research to discover what to look for inside and outside your home that could pose a hazard for your child. Look at your home through the eyes of an extremely curious, crawling, toddling child. What could your child poke a finger into or potentially fall off of, or what could fall on her?

11. Plan how to pay for college for your child.
Set aside some money now for your child’s college fun, with a solid plan for contributing to it on a regular basis. Better yet, invest in a pre-paid college fund if your state offers it. It ensures your child will attend college because it is pre-paid. Great peace of mind for you.

12. Knit or sew a baby blanket or lovey.It is good to keep hands and mind engaged during times of stress and anticipation. A handmade craft project is just the thing! As you move toward completion of your project, you are moving closer to the great day! It makes you feel as if you have a hand in moving the time along. And you will have a lovingly handmade treasure for your child.

13. Keep an adoption journal that your child will eventually read.

Your child will treasure the stories of his adoption when he is old enough to understand the words. Keeping a journal will help you share with him all the events and your thoughts and feelings as you prepared for and awaited his arrival.

14. Shop for stroller, car seat, educational toys.

There is a surprising variety and number of features to consider. You will be glad you researched ahead of time.

15. Take time to re-charge and rejuvenate.

Breathe. Take a yoga or pilates class. Take some walks around your neighborhood. Plan a meet up with friends. Talk about topics other than your adoption plan (sometimes)!

Take positive, constructive action daily. These actions will help you keep your perspective, your sense of humor and your sense of balance in an adoption world gone mad! Carry on, Courageous Adopters (and soon-to-be parents — Yeah, I’m looking at you!)

QUESTION FOR YOU! What things are you doing to prepare for your baby’s arrival?

Will Adopting Couple Ever Become Parents?

Rachel and Gary, married six years, and after four years of infertility treatment, have decided to adopt. They consulted with an adoption attorney and placed themselves in the attorney’s pool of prospective adoptive parents. The question on their minds now is: After years of infertility treatments, now, through the process of adoption, will we actually, really and finally become parents?

One of the sweetest challenges I repeatedly face, as an adoption attorney, is to convince a prospective adoptive couple that they will indeed become parents. Their fears and insecurities are so great, and they have lived with them for so long, that they literally dwell in fear. Couples who have struggled unsuccessfully with infertility eventually lose hope that they will ever conceive. When couples arrive at the decision to adopt, somehow this feeling of doom carries over into a belief that they will never become parents – even though they have set an adoption in motion! They wonder if they are doomed to be forever the seekers of a child, never destined to actually become parents. You know the thinking — always the bridesmaid, never the bride?

They wonder if their fate is to be disappointed over and over again in every attempt to become parents. After all, failure has been their only experience to date. How can they reasonably hope for success just because they are now trying a different method of achieving their dream to become parents? An unhappy fate has been looming over their shoulders for far too long. The sense of having no control over their wish to become parents has made them weary and wary. They have come to fear even looking Fate in the eye.

If Fate has decreed failure as in the past, they reason, why would changing the method change the outcome? (Silly thinking, of course! But adoptive parents are human, after all, and privileged to engage in silly thinking and unwarranted depression!) My, role, as an adoption attorney, includes imbuing disappointed, hurting, disbelieving couples with real hope and real belief. As an adoptive mother myself, I know all about these feelings first hand.

Why is belief, for prospective adoptive parents, so hard to come by?

Being physically pregnant brings with it, naturally, a real expectation of having a child. The baby is already “here” because a pregnant expectant mother and father can see their baby growing everyday in the mother’s body. The baby is real and tangible to them. The couple can touch the baby in the mother’s tummy, hear its heartbeat, feel it move and kick. It is easier for pregnant couples to believe they are going to be parents – even though no one can really know they will be parents until the baby is born alive and healthy.

What we are talking about here is “belief” and how belief, or suspension of belief, affects the waiting couple’s emotional well-being during the waiting period.

Adopting parents, on the other hand, face a bigger mental and emotional challenge. Their baby is “out there” somewhere. Their child or unborn baby is, for the time being, being cared for by someone else. The expected child is not under their roof. They have no daily contact with the expected child or unborn baby. They have no control over how that child is being cared for. They have no control over whether that child will ultimately become available for adoption. Their expected child is under the control of another while the prospective adoptive parents wait.

There is a natural tendency for adopting parents to withhold investing fully in the belief that they will be parents. They are painfully aware that if the birth parents fail to sign consents after birth, they will be crushed. Hearts will be broken. Their family and friends will grieve for them. The baby’s room will remain empty. Tears will flow and they will be disappointed yet again, just as they were, month after month, while they were trying to conceive. It is infinitely more difficult to invest whole-heartedly in the belief that they will be parents when a couple has no control over whether the expected child ultimately be theirs.

For Rachel and Gary, like other adopting parents, adoption presents some Big, Scary, Unknowns. Having bravely summoned the courage to begin the adoption process and having thrown themselves into the pool, they still have some deep seated fears. Will a birth mother choose them? Will the birth mother and birth father with whom they are matched sign the consents for adoption after the baby is born? Will they be real parents at last?

The short answers are: Yes, yes and yes. That is the beauty of adoption. Once a couple embarks on the adoption path, there is no question but that they WILL be parents. How? and When? and Through Whom? are questions yet to be answered. But these questions will all be answered in time and with some measure of control by Rachel and Gary themselves.

The reality is: Couples who choose adoption and embark on the adoption path will be parents. The knowledge of that allows Rachel and Gary to look Fate directly in the eye – and grin!

Birth Mother Cara and Adoptive Parents Meet Over Lunch

Cara, age 23, discovered she was pregnant after her boyfriend of two years, Brian, left. Already the mother of two toddlers from a previous relationship, Cara had not worked for several years. The only job she had ever held was as a server. With young children to care for, she was finding it difficult to find a job at all, much less one that would pay enough to cover day care.

Without the support of her former boyfriend, she soon was homeless. Cara was fortunate to have a friend who offered her short-term housing. Her friend, Melody, a single mother of an eight year old, had placed a child for adoption two years earlier.

After talking with Melody, Cara discussed the idea of adoption with Brian. Brian, 15 years older than Cara, had placed a child for adoption years earlier. With a former girlfriend, he was also co-parenting a 14 year old daughter. Cara’s and Brian’s age difference and differing interests led them realize they could not go on together as a couple. Brian told Cara he thought an adoption plan was a good idea under the circumstances.

Forty miles away, John, a contractor, and Julia, a graphic artist, had tried infertility treatment for several years. They have been married for 8 years. Both from modest backgrounds, they each had worked hard to create a comfortable life for themselves. After several frustrating years of trying to conceive, they realized that becoming parents is their most important goal. They decided to adopt.

An adoption attorney brought John, Julia and Cara together. They first learned about each other through pictures, written information and discussions with the attorney. Based upon what they learned about each other, they chose each other. They knew enough to feel cautiously committed to each other even before they met face to face. It felt like an “informed blind date,” John said.

The attorney arranged for them all to meet at a local restaurant. The attorney helped them share information with each other in a comfortable way. Nervous at first, they soon felt like old friends, discovering similar interests. They told each other their stories of their separate journeys toward adoption. They even found things to laugh about together.

Cara came away from the restaurant meeting feeling confident that John and Julia were the perfect couple for her baby. She wants them to be at the hospital delivery in October. John and Julia were amazed at Cara’s maturity and level-headedness at a time of such crisis in her life — and her commitment to being a good mother to her two toddlers.

They plan to get together several more times before the birth and to stay in touch after.

Return here for updates as their adoption journey continues.

Adoption Journey

Curious about adoption?

Here you will follow the real life adoption journeys of some birth parents and adoptive parents as they consider, decide, embark, choose, meet, laugh, cry, deliver, welcome, hug, release and keep in touch.

Adoption is a wild ride that elicits just about every possible human emotion. It is not for the faint of heart. It takes a great deal of courage to make an adoption decision and to follow through with it.

If you’ve ever wondered how and why people make such difficult decisions, you may gain some insight by reading these stories of real people who are on an adoption journey.